It's been a long time since I tried blogging, but it really worked for me before. This time around, I need a place to process my feelings, and deal with everything that's coming my way over the next few... months? years? forever?
So here's the deal. I have always been heavy. The last time I remember weighing under 200 lbs was at a doctor's appointment when I was twelve years old. I weighted in at 175 lbs, already 50% over the average weight for a girl my age. At 15 or so, I went from 280 to 249 in a church-led weight loss program. I worked at a fitness center at 16 and have, in general, stayed fairly active for the last 15 years. In college, I'd go through spurts of gym-going and inactivity. I was an RA, I led every intramural sport and participated. When I got out of college, I moved back to my home state and weighed in at 337 lbs, which was devastating. In 2008-2009 I worked my ass off and lost 90 lbs, getting to my lowest weight ever (as a grown-up) of 247, which lasted for about five minutes.
I met the man who is now my husband, my hormones turned a corner, I grew a ladybeard (which I still loathe and have to deal with), and even though I stayed fairly active, the weight started coming back. I did do some serious overeating in that time as well, don't get me wrong. I stress-eat, emotion-eat, and depression-eat. As it turns out, new relationships, moving in together, and learning to live with another person are stressful. I went through some professional risks and turmoil, planning a wedding, unemployment, financial trouble, and moved to a new city. When we settled down again, I hit the gym again, hard. My first appointment with a trainer I weighed in at 317 lbs, and I resolved to get. it. off. I worked my ass off again, and I lost....10 lbs in 4 months. I resolved to stay active, and I kept hitting the gym 2-5 times a week for 9 months. We bought a house, I changed jobs again, and things were in limbo again for a while.
On top of all of this, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years. I was diagnosed with PCOS nine months ago, though I've had the symptoms since my very first cycle 18 years ago. We've done all the rounds of fertility drugs, had two early miscarriages, and decided to give my ovaries a break for a few months. All of that is stressful. Periods of working out, overeating, eating healthy, 60 days of a Whole 30 diet, and three weeks ago at the doctor I weighed in at... 357 lbs. My absolute highest ever.
The decision to have gastric surgery has not been a quick one. In 2008, I promised myself I would try it on my own, and revisit the decision at the end of the school year. That year, I lost a lot of weight on my own. Since then, it hasn't happened for me. I have always, whatever my weight, been pretty happy with what my body is capable of. Carrying a baby is something my body cannot do at my current weight and level of health. Since I have been unable to overcome my hormones, my own emotional shit, my disordered relationship with food, my complete lack of hunger and satiety sensation, and my battles with depression to get down to a healthy weight, I made the decision to pursue Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.
I'm so tired of being unhappy with myself, and feeling like a failure. I know that VSG will NOT fix me and my emotional shit, and may not even allow me to have a baby. But losing the weight is the one part of that equation that I can control. I look at it this way. I can spend a couple years getting hormone injections, going through IVF or egg harvesting or whatever, and continue to get more stressed and bigger and not end up with a healthy pregnancy, or I can spend that time and money and effort working on me and my life overall, and try for a baby again when I get down to a more healthy weight. We'll explore all the fertility options we need to when I've taken care of what I can take care of.
So that's the beginning. My surgery is two weeks from tomorrow. My new chapter is already beginning.
